| What Do You Mean Bi Dilemma? |
[Thursday, June 1st 2017] |
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When I was an undergrad I took a philosophy course on Puzzles, Paradoxes, & Dilemmas. I quickly found that I had a very low threshold and high degree of distaste for all three. I don’t like pondering questions with no answers and I’m not fond of circular reasoning and fruitless debate. Yet, I now find myself living a naturally occurring dilemma; I am Bisexual.
According to Wikipedia (the grad student’s bible!) a dilemma is:
…a problem offering two solutions or possibilities, in particular two solutions neither of which is acceptable. The two options are often described as the horns of a dilemma, neither of which is comfortable…. In formal logic, the definition of a dilemma differs markedly from everyday usage. Two options are still present, but choosing between them is immaterial because they both imply the same conclusion.
By using the phrase “Bisexual Dilemma” I am not inferring that it is the bisexuality that is unacceptable, far from it! Rather, that it is society’s response to bisexual groups and individuals that create the environment in which these dilemmas occur. It seems that I am constantly stumbling into dilemmas regarding bisexuality not just in my review of current literature, but particularly in my everyday life. I see them when I interact with professors, peers, friends, family, the straight community, the gay community… and even within myself.
This blog is in essence a journey to understanding the processes behind this dilemma. To vent and discuss issues that are effecting my life and the lives of the people I know. Hopefully, I will be able to connect with others of you out there who are dealing with similar questions as I would love to hear your stories and opinions.
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| Visibility & The Chicago Dyke March |
[Wednesday, June 16th 2010] |
I am writing to ask for your help.
Are you familiar with the Chicago Dyke March? The past few years I have been trying to have a conversation with the organizers regarding the fact that their mission statement does not include bisexuals. Last year they said that it would be an issue that needed to be raised at a meeting and never got back to me about it. This year I actually got a response... however, it was an empty one. It seems rather silly that they won't add one word to their mission statement. Its a small word, but it means a lot. I really don't understand their reluctance/resistance as the event is supposedly geared towards all women who love women and they boast an inclusive and accepting community. So when I was invited to their event on facebook I had to decline based on principle. I also posted a comment on their wall to the effect of "please include bisexuals in your mission statement" ... general, vague and non-threatening... mostly because at least that brings visibility to this issue and makes others aware of the problem.... They deleted it. This has gone on for far too long and I feel it has crossed the line into active discrimination. Apparently they don't feel they need to even respond or acknowledge this issue... let alone recognize or accept bisexuals as a part of their collective... that is, unless they are "queer."
I know that some people believe bisexuals are included within "queer" ... however, I am not one of those people. While a bisexual can identify as "queer"... not all do and that needs to be respected and recognized. I see this subsumation within queerness as one of the largest problems facing the bisexual community currently and one of the primary factors causing bisexual invisibility... which is precisely why this response (or lack thereof) from the Chicago Dyke March Collective is troubling.
Please help me with this advocacy endeavor and contact the administrators or post on their event wall at the links below and let them know that this isn't something they can simply ignore and hope will go away... let them know that this is a problem and its something they need to change... and further, something they can change easily. Continuing to not make that change, however, leads to ignorance and discrimination.
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=14233764762&ref=ts
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=125462994161232&ref=mf
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| Dyketastic! |
[Sunday, November 16th 2008] |
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I didn’t know Wanda Sykes was dyketastic! :P Okay here’s my thing tho… why isn’t it a choice? Isn’t being gay/straight/bi the most important choice? But notice I included straight there… see my whole thing is that we are all born with the potentiality to be attracted to either sex and it is through our experiences that our sexuality, sexual identity, and sexual attraction is shaped. So its all a choice. The only “essential” argument is that sexuality exists in general and the only alternative sexuality in that case would be people who consider themselves asexual. Soo yeah… chew on that.
* Vid nipped from Arlan at Your Daily Lesbian Moment
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| Visi-Bi-Lity -- in academic research |
[Thursday, September 25th 2008] |
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In response to an email I received through the university LGBTQ listserv (included at the end) I have sent the following email to the American Psychological Foundation. Perhaps I have worded it too viscerally, but I am fed up...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------- To whom it may concern, I received the following announcement regarding the social science grant from your office through the --- LGBTQ listserv and felt the need to respond. As a bisexual, social scientist, and former member of the APA I find it appalling that this endeavor is so narrowly limited to "homosexuality" to the extent that it only mentions bisexuality once and not at all as a keyword or possible focus. Furthermore, when bisexuality is mentioned it is done so in a manner that makes the assumption it is included within this umbrella term of "homosexuality", which I am sure you are aware it most certainly is not. Frankly, given the support the APA has given to recent bisexual research I am curious how you could possibly have made this offensive oversight and contributed to the erasure of bisexual identity in academic research. Please either include bisexuality equally as a focus of this grant, or don't include it at all. The latter is preferable to propagating the stigma that bisexuality is not its own individual and legitimate sexual identity and orientation. Thank you for your time and consideration. Sincerely,
Katherine -. --------- <lists academic pedigree> 
Sponsor American Psychological Association (APA) American Psychological Foundation (APF) Sponsor Type Professional Society or Association Amount $65,000 Amount Note Deadline Mar 09, 2009 Deadline Note Anticipated deadline. A deadline for the next cycle has not been confirmed. The record will be updated when new program information becomes available. Activity Location Unrestricted Citizenship or Residency Unrestricted Requirements Ph.D./M.D./Other Professional Abstracts The Wayne F. Placek Grants to encourage scientific research to increase the general public's understanding of homosexuality and to alleviate the stress that gay men and lesbians experience in this and future civilizations. The grant programs support empirical research from all fields of the behavioral and social sciences. Proposed research may deal with any topics related to lesbian, gay, or bisexual issues. Proposals are solicited in the category of Large Grants. Proposals are especially encouraged for empirical studies that address the following topics: 1. Heterosexuals' attitudes and behaviors toward lesbians and gay men, including prejudice, discrimination, and violence 2. Family and workplace issues relevant to lesbians and gay men 3. Subgroups of the lesbian and gay population that have historically been underrepresented in scientific research less.. Eligibility All applicants (including co-investigators) must have a doctoral degree at the time of application and must be affiliated with a college, university, or research institute that meets U.S. federal requirements for administering research awards. Applicants who are currently conducting research funded by a large Placek grant are not eligible to apply for a small grant. All research involving human subjects must have been approved by an Institutional Review Board (IRB) from the Principal Investigator's institution when the application is submitted. Applications lacking IRB approval at the time they are submitted will not be eligible for consideration. less.. COS Keywords Gender Issues Homosexual, Female Homosexual, Male Social Sciences Funding Type Research Address Wayne F. Placek Award American Psychological Foundation 750 First Street, NE City Washington Province/State District of Columbia Zip 20002-4242 Country United States Phone +1 (202) 336-5814 Fax +1 (202) 336-5812 </div></div>
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| Update |
[Monday, May 26th 2008] |
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Sorry I haven’t posted, but I’ve been a bit overwhelmed by all the changes happening in my life lately. I will probably post more when things begin to settle down. One thing to note, Bi Chi hasn’t been going the way I had hoped it would and it looks like I need to reorient it. Basically the people who said they wanted to be involved… haven’t and I simply don’t have the time to do all the work for events people don’t show up for. I had hoped that other bisexuals in Chicago were feeling the same need to find a community where the felt they belong as I had/have been… but perhaps not. Or perhaps this just isn’t the vehicle for it… or perhaps I just marketed it poorly. Regardless, I haven’t the time or energy with everything in addition to my PhD program starting up to try again. So instead I’m going to focus on advocacy and the Visi-Bi-Lity portion of Bi Chi as that seems to be the only successful portion of it and one that I can manage by myself. I’ll still keep the name of course, and I hope that at some point in the future I’ll be able to actualize my original vision for Bi Chi.
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| Particpate in a Study on Bisexual Women's Health |
[Friday, April 11th 2008] |
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Researcher Conducting Much Needed Study on Bisexual Women's Health
Chicago, IL
Concerned with the lack of attention given to bisexual women in the "LGBT" health literature Dr. Wendy Bostwick, Director of Community Engagement at the Adler School of Professional Psychology, is conducting a study specifically aimed at bisexual women. The goal is to explore bisexual women's health and their experiences of stigma and discrimination.
Bostwick, who has a PhD in Public Health from the University of Illinois at Chicago, started the Women's Health and Identity Study (WHIS) while she was a post-doctoral fellow at the University of Michigan. She notes that self-identified bisexual women still face unique stigma related to their identity, and must confront discrimination from both the straight community as well as from the gay and lesbian community.
"I think that constantly being told that you're 'confused' or that your identity isn't genuine can really take a toll on bisexual women. I'm interested in learning more about how such messages affect bisexual women, particularly their mental health. "
Bostwick notes that while the literature about sexual minority health has grown tremendously in the past three decades, besides HIV/AIDS-related literature, there is a disturbing lack of information about the health of bisexual women as a distinct group. This is even more concerning, she suggests, in light of evidence that more and more women are identifying as bisexual.
Participants should be women who are at least 25 years old, self-identify as bisexual, reside in the Chicago area and are English-language speakers. Women of color are especially encouraged to take part. Participation in the WHIS study includes answering a brief survey with questions about your health, including questions about health insurance, substance use and experiences of discrimination. In addition, some women will be randomly selected to participate in a more in-depth interview. Involvement in the WHIS will take between 20 to 90 minutes. All participants will be compensated with a $10 gift card to a major retail establishment.
For more information about WHIS and how to get involved, please contact the study at (312) 201-1851 or via email at Biwomenstudy@gmail.com.
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| Bisexual Contestant on Bravo! |
[Friday, April 11th 2008] |
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In the event that you aren’t as addicted to Bravo TV reality programming as I am, I figured I would spread the bi-love! There’s a bisexual contestant on their new show “Step it Up and Dance!” and the other contestants are kinda treating him like crap despite the fact that he’s just as (un)talented as everyone else… this sentiment seems perfectly captured in this episode recap on AfterElton.com see excerpt below: … Micheal didn’t have a whole lot to do this week, except give me happy pants. He did make one startling revelation when, in the process of helping to choreograph a dance number, let it slip that he was “bi” (at which point my pants became melancholy). He was also the victim of a gang back stabbing by the rest of the dancers in his elimination group. After the final dance, everyone was asked who they felt was the weakest of their group. They all answered “Michael”, but he didn’t let it faze him, and he survived to dance another week.
… why melancholy? I really don’t understand why being bi should be a turn-off. True, it shouldn’t be a turn-on either (a problem I think bi women run into in their interactions with hetero men) … but why should Micheal’s appeal be any lessened when he owns up to who he is? Additionally, he didn’t “let it slip” … rather, he was trying to be open about himself and bring that to the choreography. It irritated me that the two effeminately gay men in the group didn’t respect that at all and tried to invalidate it by personally attacking Micheal’s character. I mean true, so far he hasn’t shown much character comparatively… I mean he’s not dressed like he just stepped out of Purple Rain! However, he’s hardly the only one and its only the second episode. Give a guy a break! PS: It was oh so hard not to title this “Step it up and Prance!” … soo very hard :P |
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| Bi Recap For Those Not In The "Know" |
[Friday, January 4th 2008] |
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Apparently I haven’t written anything here in a while, despite the fact that so much discussion has been going on about bisexuality in the media… and not just because Tila chose Bobby over Danny for her short-lived insta-relationship. In the end does it really matter who she chose, whether she was a “real bisexual” (whatever that is supposed to mean), or that the show was painfully cheesy. It got people talking about bisexuality; both good and bad. So anyways think of the following as a sort of CliffsNotes for the good little bisexual advocate… To step away from the pop-bisexuality trend for a second: I’m sure you’ve all heard about the ENDA controversy already. Briefly stated, congress reissued a version of the Employment Non-Discrimination Act that did not include protection along the lines of gender identity. While the implications for transgendered or intersexed individuals in the work force are obvious, many have implicated that this bears interests for some bisexual individuals as well. Frankly, I don’t see how one can protect sexual orientation and not gender identity since the two seem so closely linked. Those individuals who are at risk of being discriminated against in the workplace are those who are more visibly “gay” or “lesbian”… Rather, those who ascribe to the tendency to invert gender roles. For more information please read this bulletin by the National Gay & Lesbian Task Force. Speaking of the NGLTF, they have recently incurred criticism from bisexual advocates regarding the name change of their organization to exclude the “B and the T”. I heard about this through Bi Writers Association Blog, which contains a link to this article. Not surprisingly, this entire situation seems to mimic the sentiment in a recent blog I made on Bi Chi. I live in Chicago’s gayborhood so I am constantly seeing signs and advertisements for all things “gay & lesbian” … most times there is no mention whatsoever of bisexuality. I hardly ever even see the LGBTQ or GLBTQ acronyms. When I was at the Reeling (*ahem* gay & lesbian) Film Festival I kept having the urge to write in “bisexual” on all of the posters and pamphlets! I’m thinking of making and distributing a bunch of Visi-Bi-Lity stickers. Please let me know if you would like some! It may be petty advocacy, but it is achievable. The point is not to deface anything, far from it. Rather just to include those which they had left out… us. In a way it is improving their message and doing them a service! :) In other news, once again people are bickering over national percentages and sexual/gender orientation. However, this time it isn’t from the heterosexual community about the famed 10%. A survey conducted for the Human Rights Council by Knowledge Networks has faced criticism regarding its methodology. The survey was intended to gauge the LGBTQ community’s attitude towards ENDA. You can read more about it in this Washington Blade article. This survey also faced criticism regarding its claim that participants were “representative” of the national population. Following close its’ heels came a political survey conducted by Hunter College of which 49% of the participants were bisexual. This number was met with a predictably biphobic response. Some have said that the poll is not accurate/representative of the LGBTQ community and that very few are really bisexual (however they define that). Also, some have called this poll is “unfair” or said that it was “rigged for PC purposes to inflate the number of bisexuals“… for more information on this I recommend reading the following two contradicting arguments: Controversial poll shows wide prevalence of bisexuality: Some say findings inflated, others claim ‘bi-phobia is alive and well’
JOSHUA LYNSEN, Friday, December 21, 2007 GNW Pick: Bisexuality unexplored
CHRIS CRAIN, December 26, 2007 * read the comments on this one
The bottom line is that as long as we live in a society and political climate that maintains a general negative attitude towards those of alternative sexual orientations or gender identity we simply can’t obtain on any level, let alone a national one, an accurate percentage of individuals who identify as gay, lesbian, or bisexual. Even then it becomes increasingly difficult to definitively draw lines between those who identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual, bi-curious, used to be gay but is now bisexual, used to be bisexual but is now gay, used to be bisexual but is now straight, and all of the levels in between. How have we drifted such a long way from the concept of fluid sexuality? Why is there such a need to quantitatively define and delineate everyone? Percentages and statistics themselves are not all that reliable. They are a temporal measurement of a particular population at a particular point in time based on certain conditions that either were or were not met and often times information is collected in an environment that doesn’t accurately reflect reality. Even then many things that the interviewer says or does … or for that matter doesn’t say or doesn’t do can influence the data collected. Asking someone to fill out a survey prompts a response in a certain way… etc etc etc. At the end of the day how much does a percentage really matter? That said, what would we do without them?
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| Oh Tyra... It Ain't Easy Being Bi |
[Monday, November 19th 2007] |
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To paraphrase this guy on Tyra, “being bi is an easy stepping stone to coming out and saying hey I’m gay” … this is his advice to a guy in the audience who was questioning his sexual orientation. The audience member was saying that he could see himself in a relationship and having children with either a man or a woman yet this gay man felt perfectly comfortable just jumping into the audience and telling him that he was really on his way to being gay. Just because that was his path, doesn’t mean it is everyones. Let me just say this… there are very little things about being bi that one can consider “easy” … Also, no one should tell anyone else what their sexual orientation “really” is. There is no way for them to know that. Who is to say that this gay man offering shallow advice isn’t the one in denial? Who is to say that perhaps he chose to be homosexual because his mannerisms were more effeminate and he found a homosexual community more accepting of him as a gay man than any other option. Who is to say that perhaps that man didn’t have the balls to admit that he was bisexual and stick by it in the face of criticism and pressure. My point is that I can’t say that about him any more than he can say what he did about the fella from the audience. It is an exercise in futility. Yet how many times since ‘coming out’ have I heard that story? Why is it that homosexuals are given so much more legitimacy. Is it because they are seen as truly coming out whereas little credence is given to my acknowledgment and acceptance of my sexual orientation? But then again it is the Tyra show. Hardly the pinnacle of intellectual discourse on this or any other subject. One of the things I hate most about Tyra’s talk show is how often she leaves things unresolved or how often statements that should be corrected or clarified… aren’t. To me that is just irresponsible. To be fair she does try to present a diverse panel and examine issues from various different viewpoints. She just happens to come up short most of the time. The above statement would have been fine if she had herself, or allowed the visiting psychologist to refute/correct/clarify it. However, instead it was just left at that and the show concluded on a disappointingly weak note. … now the real question is why the hell am I even watching Tyra to begin with??? PS: Its interesting to read other women’s impressions of the show in response to this post on OurChart.com. |
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| Bisexual Visi-Bi-lity! |
[Wednesday, October 24th 2007] |
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Whenever I ask someone why it is we aren't addressing bisexuality or bisexual issues the response is always because there aren't enough people to bother... its not as important. National studies of sexuality have such low rates of homosexual respondants, that as far as they are concerned the bisexual quotient may as well not even exist. But we do exist. I needn't tell you how methodologically flawed national studies are... particularly in this political climate. In addition to our being unable to conclusively define what bisexuality actually is... let alone how to identify individuals as bisexual. In the end what it comes down to is that there aren't enough people identifying themselves as bisexual, but bisexuality does and will always exist.
The idea behind these Visi-Bi-lity shirts is to show that we do in fact exist. That we cannot be overlooked so easily just because we can't be seen... just because we can't be counted... we are not invisible!* Wearing this shirt alone is making a powerful social statement. Just yesterday I wore mine to Millenium Park and the feeling of knowing that everyone I passed was thinking about the message on my cheap little t-shirt was exhilarating. I don't think most people actually think about bisexuality until it directly effects them, and often then its associated with something negative. So lets get them thinking about it as part of something positive! Lets show Chicago that bisexuals and bi-friendly people exist!
* For those of you that may not be familiar with the term bisexual invisibility: it typifies how once an individual is involved in monogamous relationship they are then assumed to be either heterosexual or homosexual, dependant upon their partner's gender... thus leaving biphobia unchallenged and reinforcing the visability and viability of the dominant binary system.
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| Bi Chi! |
[Sunday, October 21st 2007] |
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Okay, remember that post I made a while ago about not being able to find any social organizations in Chicago geared specifically towards Bisexuals to become involved with? Well I decided to stop whining about it and do something. So with the help of a bi-friendly friend of mine we are starting Bi Chi! The mission of Bi Chi is to bring together a group of 20 to 30 something bi and bi-friendly Chicagoans for social activities and social action. We want to encourage members to network and meet others in the hopes of fostering friendship, building a sense of community amongst Chicago area bisexual and bi-friendly individuals, and encouraging informed advocacy.
So far we have only a few members and haven’t really had an organized event yet. There is a lot that needs to be done in terms of program development and marketing. We hope to eventually organize monthly group activities and events as well as provide a forum for discussion about bisexual issues. We also want to implement a book club that focuses on bisexual authors and themes.
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| Online Dating Redux |
[Friday, October 19th 2007] |
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I’m sure you have all seen the ads for Chemistry.com urging you to “come as you are.” I find this incredibly interesting, and by interesting I mean blatantly hypocritical as Chemistry.com is a product of Match.com and are openly marketing themselves this way, the discrepancy with which you can see a few posts earlier. While they are positioning themselves in opposition to eHarmony as the more gay-friendly, open, accepting online dating service… they have done nothing to address the complaints of prospective bisexual members. I can’t list myself as openly bisexual and once again I can only choose to search for either men or women, not both. I do not feel comfortable with an organization that touts moralistic statements about love and commitment forcing me to fraudulently portray myself. I am not straight and I am not gay. I am proud of my bisexuality and don’t understand why this site won’t allow me to list my sexual orientation. Also, what the hell is with some of these questions about “traditional values” and “moral correctness” and “respecting and preserving established traditions and customs”? I listed myself as female seeking female… why even bother asking that at this point? *finishes profile for kicks* Explorer - 27%, Negotiator - 32%, Builder 16%, Director - 24% …. wow, how inconclusive. Naturally, they are only matching me with other Negotiator/Explorers… pity I tend to like people who are completely different from me. Oh ho! and there is your obligatory “we’re a couple looking to add a third woman to our relationship NSA” post *sighs* I don’t know why I even get my hopes up for these things. |
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| Happy Coming Out Day! |
[Thursday, October 11th 2007] |
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Okay, I’ve got coming out stories on LOGO running in the background while I work because there’s nothing better on and it is Coming Out Day after all. Anywho, so every time I turn around they keep saying “its not a choice… being gay/lesbian wasn’t a choice” … Why not? Isn’t it the most important choice? I know why they keep relying on that essentialist reasoning; so that no one can delegitimize their identity and mistakingly believe that its possible to make another choice or to change them. However, that doesn’t mean it wasn’t a choice to begin with. Personally, I believe that many factors in my life lead to my being bisexual and I chose to acknowledge, accept, and embrace it as part of my identity. Also, I’m getting annoyed at how little you see bisexuality mentioned on this channel. Its always about gays/lesbians and I know I’m not going to see an episode about a bisexual coming out to their family. Doesn’t that seem wrong to anyone else? Instead of bitching about the over-sexualization of female bi-curiosity in mainstream media, lets focus a second on how gay/lesbian (supposedly LBGTQ) media ignores bisexuality entirely. That is, until they need a punchline. *switches to America’s Most Smartest Model*
… I think that says quite a lot about my opinion of LOGO |
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| Umm I don't really want a shot of that kthx |
[Sunday, September 30th 2007] |
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The show hasn't even started yet and already I'm pissed off at Tila Tequila! Okay so I have to give her props for saying, hey I'm bisexual and I just want love too... except that no one had any knowledge of her being bi before this and it sounds more like the JC Chasez kinda bisexuality than anything else. I hate to say that though because that would just be delegitimizing her bisexuality because she's making tons of money off of it. So instead I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and back up my team. However, that doesn't mean I can't be upset with her for how she's presenting it! I have the feeling this publicity is going to just continue to spread negative stereotypes. Case and point... her press release:
"My show is about finding true love, because for me....having over 2 million friends is cool but sometimes it makes it hard for me to find someone real, and someone whom I can trust and love.....but there is a catch.....the show will be about me finding love as a BISEXUAL!!!!! THAT IS CRAZY RIGHT? ... the only twist is that these guys and these girls have NO IDEA that I am bisexual and that they are competing against each others sexes!!! GUYS AGAINST GIRLS....WHO WILL I END UP HOOKING UP WITH????? WILL I BE STRAIGHT OR LESBIAN IN THE END?????" ... will she be straight or lesbian in the end? Well, I guess she's not intending to stay bisexual long after such a big coming out. I'm expecting a lot of this kind of thing throughout the show and the media's reporting of it *sigh* I hate this whole notion that once in a committed relationship you have to somehow lose a part of your sexual identity. Why can't she still be bisexual after she's chosen a 'winner' ... I mean seriously, its not like these manufactured relationships last long. Then what? When she's single again will she suddenly become bisexual again? As far as I'm concerned, one's identity is a deep rooted part of one's self that stays constant across situations. Otherwise its not an 'identity' ...
Okay, so here's the other thing. We know she's going to end up with a woman. How do we know this? Because the majority of her fans are men... I would assume given her spreads in Playboy and Maxim. Accordingly, her entire 'fame' is dependent upon her sexualization and their approval. What does a red-blooded, testosterone-prone American man love more than two women getting it on?
Bisexuality has been appearing more and more in mainstream media lately. I should be glad about this; however, I'm not seeing it portrayed accurately. Rather, its bi-curiosity that the media has become fascinated with. Always the characters fall into the same trap... the show boosts ratings with a same-sex kiss and then the character either becomes gay, straight, unfaithful, and/or a slut. I'll be the first to admit that there are certainly bisexuals out there who are just like that (my ex is all of that and a bag of chips), but thats largely due to the way we've been socialized! Its a negative cycle people. For every negative portrayal of a bisexual individual on TV we should also have a positive one... but I find myself lacking for any examples of positive bisexual role models. Perhaps thats why we bi's like Angelina so much. She never felt the need to explain her sexual identity or conform to other's expectations, she was just herself and didn't apologize for it.
PS: Am I the only person who finds Tila Tequila wholly unattractive?
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| Afterthought? * |
[Wednesday, September 12th 2007] |
You know whats frustrating the hell out of me? I keep trying to find bisexual organizations in Chicago that I can become involved with or at least sign up to receive their newsletter or something like that, and I keep coming upon dead ends! Websites that are “under construction” or now lead to a porn site and phone numbers that have since been disconnected and no one has taken their contact information down because its the only link on their resources page that says “bisexual”. Most of the addresses given are P.O. boxes, which I’d bet money are no longer active. How am I supposed to become involved in something that feels like it doesn’t even exist. I feel like this “Chicagoland Bisexual Network” shit is just around for political reasons. I’ve even emailed them asking about this very thing. No response as yet. I wish that there were more active bisexuals out there… I wish that I could feel connected and have some sense of community. It frustrates me when I continually see resources or services for “gays and lesbians” … they don’t even bother to add the bisexual part anymore, or if they do its more of an afterthought. The impression I keep getting in this messed up little system of alternative sexuality is that gay men are at the top of the inverted hierarchy. They hold the most political power as well as financially, because at the end of the day men are still paid more than women are. The next highest up are lesbians who have fought their feminist-y way in there to gain equality with all men, not just those that identify as homosexual. However, because society can only change so fast in the face of resistance, women are relegated to this second level and this, is naturally, reflected in the gay/lesbian culture as well. These top two tiers of our inverted hierarchy are the ones that receive what I would estimate to be around 80% of the funding and resources that go towards LGBTQ/GLBTQ organizations… though actually perhaps most of this funding goes to people identifying as “queer” … Those who identify themselves as “queer” are found on the third tier. Often times these individuals are actually bisexual, and feel more comfortable identifying as queer rather than dealing with biphobic reactions or misunderstandings regarding their character. However, quite a few gay and lesbian individuals identify themselves as queer too. I believe this category was created in order to develop a certain level of homogeneity between individuals identifying as non-heterosexual. In theory, I can support that. However, in practice labeling ones-self as “queer” is often interpreted as meaning gay or lesbian. Actually, now that I’m thinking about it, I know a few heterosexual people who have considered themselves queer. Its more of a political stance of open-mindedness than a sexual orientation. It is for this reason that I place this category third. It includes bisexuals, and most likely is where most of the support for their sexual orientation comes from; however, the actual bisexual category is placed lower on the hierarchy. I believe there are two more levels: bisexuality and transgender/intersexed. However, I’m not sure of their order. It is difficult to tell which has more ‘playing for their team’ so to speak. This is complicated by the fact that no one knows how many people are ‘bisexual’ … it could be everyone (depending on who you ask)… it could be no one (depending on who you ask)… it could be a self-selected few (…… depending on who you ask). Also, given that people who are transgendered/intersexed identify as either gay, lesbian, queer, bisexual, or asexual many would consider their category to dissipate amongst sexual orientation. However, they do wield a certain power… particularly over the media. This is a power that bisexuals don’t have. Our image in the media’s eye is not exactly friendly. It surprises me how often you hear bi-bashing on tv when you pay attention and not just on Logo! Because gay/lesbian themes have become more acceptable in media it has created more of these instances in television melodrama where you have characters ‘experimenting’ or being bi-curious in order to achieve higher ratings. Needless to say, this trivializes things a bit. So it just serves to promote the stereotype that bisexuals are perpetually bi-curious, fickle, promiscuous, greedy, can’t make up their minds, non-monogamous, will leave their lover at the drop of a hat for the other sex… etc etc. Whether we like it or not, the impression given by the media in our society… is power. It is our main way of communicating with each other. If it weren’t for the media how would we all know how to vote? We can’t very well go to every political speech and convention and formulate our own opinion. So we rely on others to do that and trust that they truthfully convey that information to us via various media. That is also how we formulate our impressions of the ‘other’ with which we haven’t much contact… and also with which we do actually. I’ve seen a million movies making fun of the epitome of a California plastic surgery trophy wife… and I’ll admit that each time I’ve met someone from that group I’ve had my stereotypes confirmed. True, I wasn’t really looking for stereotype disconfirming information. So when combining biphobia with bisexual invisibility, negative media portrayal and according social stereotypes, and the dearth of political power inherent… it seems inevitable that bisexuals fall at the bottom of the sexual hierarchy. Sorry… this post is all over the place, but there is a thread here. I’ll have to come back some other time and connect all the loose ends. PS: Do you think I’m wrong? I admit I could have gotten entirely the wrong impression. I implore you to challenge and correct me. I want only to understand the world around me and this is what I have learned so far.
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| Online Dating |
[Monday, July 16th 2007] |
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mood |
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bored |
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I finally caved this past winter after months of prodding from my friends and decided to give the world of online dating a try. I know a few people who have been successful with it; however, they are both straight and gay. I didn't realize that my being bisexual would become an issue. I began by filling out a profile at match.com. Really, I couldn't have chosen a worse place to start. I did notice that they didn't give you an option to list yourself as bisexual. What I didn't realize was the controversy surrounding this issue. Apparently bisexual profiles were not permitted on their website. The justification given for this being that bisexuals hadn't yet made up their minds about who they are. More importantly, however, because match.com does not support non-monogamous relationships. After all, we all know that bisexuals are promiscuous polyamorous sluts and hetero- and homo-sexuals are pillars of monogamous virtue. You can find one of the articles about the match.com controversy here : Rejected From The Personals Also, if you're interested in comparing Match.com's stance on bisexuals then and now just read these two articles: Why Bi Guys Aren't For Me & Dating When You're Bi: How to explain your orientation to your mates. Gotta admit I don't like the byline on that one... or should I say bi-line!
Now I understand why match.com never responded to my complaint about not being able to list my sexual orientation. Now I understand why my first two profiles were rejected. They still won't allow you to identify yourself as bisexual, which is dishonest in my opinion. Match.com also does not provide sufficient search tools. For example, I can only be listed as a woman looking for a woman or a woman looking for a man. Whichever I choose, my profile will only show up for those search terms. Therefore if I list myself as a woman seeking a woman, no men will be able to match with my profile and vice versa. I raise this as an issue because there really aren't many women on this site in my vicinity... even fewer who are interested in dating a bi woman... and I may not as well have created a profile in the first place. After being sufficiently disillusioned about even having the opportunity to online date, I began looking at more bi-friendly dating websites. This lead to further disillusionment. If you click on the link to that article up there you can see what I mean. Those "dating" sites that accept bisexuals are also... linked to alternative lifestyles lets say. Now, I am a very open-minded person and accepting of alternative lifestyles, but what I was looking for was some good old-fashioned dating. I wanted to be able to meet people I could go have a drink with and get to know and possibly develop a friendship with... and in the best case scenario hopefully a relationship. I wasn't looking to be tied up and dominated, or for poly couples to solicit me. If I had been, I would simply look for that. These are not "dating" websites. There are no websites where bisexuals can simply date or meet other bisexuals without it being sexualized and synonymous with such alternative lifestyles. True, I think that bisexuals are more open-minded and accepting, however, only providing services to them that are linked to homosexuality or alternative sexual identities just propagates either bisexual invisibility or negative stereotypes about bisexual promiscuity. Where can a bisexual girl go to date? Right now my profile is up at OkCupid.com as it seems to be the best option. They allow me to identify myself as bisexual and their search functions really do allow for the greatest variety and least exclusivity. Now it seems that the only problem I consistently encounter are peoples' individual prejudices. I have received a surprising amount of messages from men on this site. Unfortunately, they seem to be under the mistaken impression that going out with me is like getting some two-for-one deal and often ask if I'd "bring a friend"... yeeaah not so much. As for women, I have only received two messages (both on match.com) and one was just not my type. The other, unfortunately just didn't work out. I tried sending messages to women that I thought were interesting or cute and never received responses. Why that is, I'm not sure. Perhaps they weren't attracted to me, perhaps they just don't use these websites anymore, or perhaps its because I'm open about being bi. I honestly don't know and have no way of knowing... but its no secret that lesbians don't want to date bisexual women. True, I would get more responses if I listed myself as "gay" or just "woman seeking woman"... but I'd rather not be disingenuous. More importantly, I'd rather just be true to myself and proud of my identity.
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| Bisexuality & Monogamy |
[Sunday, July 15th 2007] |
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mood |
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hungry |
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For my final paper for the Sociology of Human Sexuality, I stupidly decided to take up the topic of bisexuality and monogamy. That is not to say that the topic is stupid, but rather believing I could tackle it in 12-15 pages for an unreceptive audience was stupid on my part. I had intended to paraphrase my paper here. However, it didn’t turn out anything like I had wanted. The literature that I had hoped to find… simply didn’t exist. Instead, I found myself spending more pages than necessary having to define what “bisexuality” and “monogamy” are… apparently no one knows. I can’t help but laugh at that. Everyone knows instinctively what they are and what they mean; even if those self-created definitions are false. In the end, due to time and page constraints, I didn’t have the opportunity to address the reason that I had written the paper in the first place. So rather than spending a post on my paper, I’m just going to upload it here. I’m not entirely proud of it. I feel like I had to compromise my opinions, beliefs, and what I felt relevant to the topic in order to address what the prof wold be receptive to so that I could get the grade in this class that I needed in order to graduate. I think that in and of itself is saying quite a lot. Click Here For My Paper On Bisexuality & Monogamy Also, I didn’t realize how offended I would get reading through existing theories and research for this paper. It really was a painful process… and became difficult trying to examine the issue from as unbiased a perspective as I could. Hahahaha I totally just realized that I never put a conclusion on my paper!
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| Minus the Sexual? |
[Friday, June 1st 2007] |
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mood |
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productive |
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In an article I read today from the Journal of Bisexuality (my opinion of which is an entirely different issue) the author posed the following question:
“What does it mean to be bi - when you’re minus the sexual?”
- Moss Stern
This got me thinking… obviously… hence the reason for this note. Heterosexuals are rarely ever referred to as such except in academia. Likewise, homosexuals are rarely ever referred to by so full a title. There exist many alternative terms by which to refer to an individual who is monosexual respectively. Granted, many of these terms are slang or offensive, but that is the way that our society functions and it plays a crucial role in the way people interact with each other. Consider for a moment that these terms that go beyond the academic labels of hetero- and homo-sexual are less an indication of sexual orientation and identity, and rather are indicative of one’s social orientation and identity.
With that thought firmly in mind allow me to pose Stern’s question again. What does it mean to be bi- when you’re minus the sexual? There is no other term to refer to someone who is bisexual beyond that or simply as “bi” … or if there is it is not widely known or accepted and I admit to being completely unaware of it. There is undoubtedly a social recognition of a bisexual identity. Unfortunately, it is a primarily negative one based on ill-conceived stereotypes, but nonetheless shouldn’t there exist words in our language to account for this? Shouldn’t we be capable of referring to a social group or culture beyond their mere sexual preference? Sexual preference or orientation cannot wholly define any group or individual.
PS: If anyone mentions how symbolic interactionism could apply here I will kick you!
List of gay, lesbian, & a couple bi euphemisms
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[Friday, April 13th 2007] |
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mood |
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irate |
] |
Alright, so I promised myself I wouldn’t re-post any more facebook notes that I write mainly because they’re half-assed and hastily thrown together, but because I’m so bogged down with my thesis analysis at the moment and I feel the need to put this on here I’m afraid you’re going to have to bare with me…
No one teaching a course in the sociology of human sexuality should ever be able to say with authority, regardless of how misguided it may be, that the transmission of AIDs/HIV between the homosexual and heterosexual community is the cause of those who go between both communities… and thus define bisexuality as those individuals. I shouldn’t even have to explain to whoever is reading this just how wrong that statement is, but given that even someone with his experience and authority in research on sexuality believes, wrongly, this to be true… I will endeavor to tackle that topic as soon as possible on my Bisexual Dilemma.
Other posts intended for publication include the apparent biphobia of the lesbian influence on popular culture as evidenced in the L Word :D; an article currently being written by a close friend of mine who is addressing a topic (that at the moment I’m unsure of) he feels passionately about as a bisexual man; and also the perils of bisexual online dating!… that is if they dating site will even let you state your sexual orientation or not *coughs*match.com*coughs*
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| We Exist |
[Wednesday, April 4th 2007] |
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mood |
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frustrated |
] |
So far I have sat through two days of the Sociology of Human Sexuality and not once has Bisexuality been mentioned. I’ve heard the words homosexual, gay, softcore porn, dildo, fingering, blowjob, orgy, swinger, and various other epithets… but not once has the professor acknowledged that a Bisexual population even exists. I am utterly frustrated and unsure as to how best to call this to their attention. Screaming out… “I exist damnit!” in the middle of class is probably not the wisest course of action. Just two days of listening to him spout statistics and findings that didn’t take Bisexuality into consideration is driving me crazy and I can’t see myself sitting there quietly until we reach the section on homosexuality only to be ignored.
At the rate this is going I wouldn’t be surprised if he intended to go through the entire course without uttering that word even once. Bisexual. Such a frustrating concept for those doing research on sexuality isn’t it? It makes your “empirical” research flawed. It would all be so much easier and more orderly if psychologists and sociologists were to just forget that that particular word existed, wouldn’t it? Easy… perhaps… but then such research would have been done in vain given that it doesn’t accurately reflect society or the individuals in it.
Bisexuals exist because people identify themselves as such. I am a Bisexual, therefore I exist as a Bisexual. We are Bisexuals, therefore Bisexuality exists.
You may have noticed by now that I have been capping B isexuality. There is no rhyme or reason as to why beyond my just wanting a little Bi-power trip!
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